Drunk Movie Review : Die Hard

Four years ago, I watched Die Hard for my "first" time. Sometimes I enjoy getting drunk and reviewing movies because it is very fun. Also, Lindy West is one of my favorite writers. (See: Shit, Actually.)

Here is my drunk movie review of Die Hard. I hope you enjoy it.

8:37 pm

Before I press play, there are two things you should know. I’ve already had a bottle of wine. Secondly, saying I’ve never seen this movie before is true but it’s also kind of a lie. Let’s call it a half-truth. I rented this film some years ago with a boyfriend, and about ten minutes into the film, well, things got romantic. So, instead of watching Bruce Willis crawl around in an air duct, I got laid. FAIR.

 

(side note: is it weird that I specifically remember asking my boyfriend to stop kissing me so I could watch Bruce Willis say “Yippie-Ki-Kay Motherfucker!”? We managed to CARY on quickly after that. Also, I miss that couch.)

 

8:55 pm

Okay. It’s time to press play.

 

8:58 pm

Is this why it’s a Christmas movie? Because there are lights inside of an office building? On Christmas Eve? Oh. Who has a holiday party on Christmas Eve? That’s just poor planning. 

 

9:05 pm

Oh, I’m sorry Bruce. Did your wife go back to her maiden name? She’s no Demi Moore.

 

9:06 pm

I feel like the limo driver is going to come in handy later.

 

9:07 pm

Is there a fucking waterfall in this office? It looks like Bass Pro Shop. Bruce Willis does not like California.

 

9:08 pm

WATERED DOWN CHAMPAGNE? That’s just offensive.

 

9:13 pm

WHAT IS WITH ALL THESE DUDES IN 80’S MOVIES WITH FLOWING BLONDE LOCKS. VIGO IN GHOSTBUSTERS 2 ANYONE? THE MONEY PIT? These guys must know each other. Do not invite me to that party.

 

9:18 pm

I’m sorry, but is the limo driver just sitting in his car talking to a giant teddy bear?

I’VE BEEN THERE.

 

9:19 pm

Boobies.

 

9:20 pm

I feel like this movie would be remembered very differently had Bruce Willis kept his shirt on.

 

9:24 pm

Is this tiny bearded man running the show? The only thing terrifying about him is his facial hair.

 

9:27 pm

Well, that’s a lot of blood. That reminds me, I got my period yesterday.

 

9:29 pm

So far, the character development is seriously lacking.

 

9:30 pm

Oh my god. Bruce Willis talks to himself like I talk to myself in grocery stores.

 

9:32 pm

Who gave Russian Zack Morris a gun?

 

9:33 pm

“There are rules for policemen.”

Let’s sit on that one for a minute.

 

9:36 pm

How does his handwriting look so good even though it’s written in blood on a sweatshirt? 

Ok, where did Bruce get the permanent marker?

 

9:39 pm

How does Bruce know this building so well? I WAS UNDER THE ASSUMPTION IT’S HIS FIRST TIME THERE.

 

9:41 pm

I’m also going to assume this isn’t how he was expecting to spend his Christmas Eve. And yet, he seems oddly prepared. 

 

9:43 pm

Here comes Fabio, there goes Bruce crawling through a giant fan. Sure. Seems reasonable. 

 

9:44 pm

Vigo and Fabbio working together. Finally. At last. How do you say DREAM TEAM in Russian?

 

9:46 pm

Bruce falls down an elevator shaft and manages to find himself now in an air duct. Where did he go to school?

 

“Now I know what a TV dinner feels like.” I don’t think this line gets quoted enough.

 

9:52 pm

Dude just got shot the fuck up in his dick. CAN YOU SAY OUCHIE?

 

9:55 pm

To be honest, I still don’t know what these assholes want. WHY THIS OFFICE BUILDING? WHY THESE PEOPLE? It’s all walkie-talkies and machine guns at this point. 

 

9:56 pm

YES!!! He said it! Yippie-Ki-Kay Motherfucker! I remember it being more dramatic though. Sad!

 

9:59 pm

How did Bruce find the time to smoke a cigarette? DOESN’T HE KNOW SMOKING KILLS? (I play the drums now, so here would be the opportunity where I do the ba-dum-pah thing and crush it with my hilariously good timing.)

 

10:00 pm

We’ve got the principal from The Breakfast Club talking to the dad from Family Matters. WHAT IS HAPPENING.

 

10:05 pm

Dude, I know you’re looking at those Milk Duds. I don’t blame you.

 

10:10 pm

OH SHIT! THEY’RE GOING AFTER THE LIGHTS.

 

10:12 pm

Wait a second. I thought Bruce’s tank top was white? I suppose he has had a traumatic evening and has gotten a little dirty. No, I think he changed tops. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.

 

10:15 pm

HOLY SHIT IS RIGHT.

 

10:16 pm

Listen, there’s a shit ton of glass and you just ruined a building Bruce. Come on, get it together. It’s Christmas. 

 

10:19 pm

Imagine what it’s like to be the kind of person who goes to a strip club during the middle of the day. That’s exactly what I think of the bearded salesman who wants to bang John McLane’s wife. HIS NAME IS ALICE? NO, STOP IT. DAMN IT, IT’S ELLIS.

 

10:23 pm

Bye Ellis.

 

10:27 pm

I think Hans is finally taking some initiative. OH MY GOD WHAT IS HIS FAKE AMERICAN ACCENT. I still have no idea what the plot of this movie is. 

 

10:31 pm

At this point, it would appear John McLane has developed quite a smoking habit. 

 

10:33 pm

How am I just realizing John McLane hasn’t been wearing shoes? That’s ridiculous. 

 

10:34 pm

Well, there goes Fabio’s kneecaps.

 

10:36 pm

Oh, shooting all the glass is pretty smart actually. But we all know John McLane is going to walk through it. HE DON’T GIVE A FUUUUUCK. He’s such a survivor.

 

10:42 pm

What’s with the Christmas music? Something just worked out well for the terrorists.

 

10:43 pm

Now John isn’t even wearing a shirt. Makes sense, all that material on his tank top was just getting in the way. 

 

(side note: I think he may have used the material to bandage his feet. I wonder if he was a boy scout.)

 

10:45 pm

Is he trying to make amends with his wife? Is this actually a romantic comedy? 

 

10:47 pm

It’s personal? Well personally, VIGO I hate your hair.

 

 10:50 pm

Everyone knows it’s not an action movie until helicopters get involved. FINALLY, I CAN TAKE THIS MOVIE SERIOUSLY.

 

10:51 pm

John McLane’s wife is incredibly calm. Like a cucumber. WHERE DID THAT SAYING COME FROM?

 

10:54 pm

“What the fuck are you doing John?” Well, you’re talking to yourself for one.

 

10:55 pm

Building, bye.

 

10:57 pm

GO LIMO DRIVER, GO!

 

10:59 pm

Can you imagine how John McLane must have felt when he finally got to take a shower?

 

11:01 pm

So long Hans. 

 

11:02 pm

I wonder how the McLane’s Christmas morning goes.

 

11:04 pm

I FUCKING KNEW THE LIMO DRIVER WAS GOING TO BE A HERO.

 

11:05 pm

I knew it. John and his wife are now making out in the back of the limo. I KNEW IT WAS A ROMANTIC COMEDY ALL ALONG. THEY DON’T GET TOGETHER UNTIL THE VERY END AND EVERYONE WINS. I GUESS JOHN DOESN’T HAVE TO GO IMMEDIATELY TO A HOSPITAL? Okay.

(side note: what happens to the giant teddy bear? I feel like this question maybe doesn’t get asked enough.)