Side Effect

The day I left my job at the bookstore, I did not know it would be my last. I had stopped taking the Lexapro I was prescribed during graduate school and thought I would be okay if I went off of it cold turkey. I was fucking wrong.

I found myself spontaneously crying and having to go into another room because I had no idea what was setting me off. The stress of working retail during a pandemic certainly helped elevate these mood swings, but going off my medication helped create a perfect storm. 

 

After standing in the back room crying hysterically, trying to get a grip, I went outside and called my father because I had no idea what was happening. I would then tell my boss that I needed to leave for the day but would talk to her again when the moment felt right. I would not get this chance. 

 

As a side effect, I realized who my friends were at my job. One man blocked me on social media because he didn’t want to hear anything negative, willfully extracting any desire for real human emotion.

 

I was inspired to write about this because a writer I admire, Marie-Helene Bertino, recently posted something on her Instagram stories about how the nature of #PositiveVibesOnly culture is seriously flawed. Essentially, she stated something along the lines of, “I will be here for you in your darkest hour when you need someone to talk to.” Humanity is currently failing at many things and the inability to talk about anything real and ugly and vulnerable and true is just the tip of the iceberg. 

 

It took me six months to be able to go into the bookstore again. 

 

What is so negative about having a breakdown working retail during the middle of a pandemic anyway? To be human is to be flawed and it seems to me that #PositiveVibesOnly culture does not make room for mistakes or the possibility of mistakes. This can be attributed to social media in its entirety but I don’t have the desire to tackle that mind fuck field.

 

I am simply here to say that we must do better. We must encourage real conversation and difficult emotions. Anything less is simply one-dimensional hyperbolic bullshit. And I don’t care too much for bullshit, do you?