WTF : January 2021

 January 6, 2021

The day the MAGA supporters stormed the Capitol, grocery store workers were changing the holiday displays. The pink and red gleam of Valentine’s Day cards and candy stood tall on one side of the aisle. On another shelf close by, the yellow beacon of Easter candy glowed underneath the florescent lighting. I felt absolutely lost.

 

Back home, eating sushi at my desk while watching the news, men were climbing walls instead of using stairs. Windows were being broken and a woman walking by the TV anchor flicked off the camera and said Fuck without being bleeped. What was I watching? I had never watched the news this long before but it was impossible to look away from what our world had become. 

 

Surprisingly, I didn’t have a drink that day. I waited until Inauguration Day. On January 6, 2021, we were all breathing the same toxic air; even though many of us knew not to be surprised by the lack of action or responsibility. 

 


January 30, 2021


I got in touch with my gas lighter today. I’ve known him since I was fifteen years old. I had only blocked his number, maybe, five years ago. He was in my dream last night and I woke up aroused…with curiosity. I was texting with my best girlfriend while making myself lunch. I told her I had taken to googling his name. As a contributing source to my mental stability, she reminds me I am a strong person who doesn’t need that piece of shit in my life again. However, once there is something set in motion, like getting in touch with someone I shouldn’t, it’s gonna fucking happen. Our phones acting as a constant temptation. 

 

As soon as I unblocked his number the rest of the day became murky, as if the day had suddenly gone from a gray white to sepia. Once he took the bait, I felt my body change. The shape and feel of a rainy Saturday turned into something much bigger. I had opened up my emotional Pandora’s Box and my cheeks were a flushed cherry red. After drinking too much coffee, I decided to go walk it off on my parents’ treadmill. This seemed to mostly help. I still felt like a fucking idiot who knew exactly what they were doing.

 

I want to believe there are still good guys out there, but after another recent online dating rejection it’s so easy to seek the kind of attention that turns your stomach to pieces. It will be familiar. It will be as if no time has gone by. It will be a reminder of how hard you’ve worked to become emotionally intact. 

 

It’s such a fucked-up rush. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Suddenly, you’ve never felt more vulnerable. You’re scared and still scarred, but he’s reacting to you. You feel less alone and more alone than ever before. Why does it feel so good?

 

What made you think of me today? I had expected him to send this text earlier. My body was nervous and cold. Not real sure, I replied. I’d been staring at my phone since lunch as if it were about to spontaneously combust. What exactly had been my intentions? Once communication had been established, my energy changed. I like myself now, but I am mad at her right now because it shouldn’t be this destroying to admit desire. The conversation with him stayed friendly but I remained tense and slightly jumpy throughout the day. 


I will remain emotionless, and he will still live far away.

            

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