Dangerous Dreams


A man once called me his Dream Woman and I floated on air for a brief moment in time. Eventually he broke up with me and I was left confused and empty. The problem with dreams is that they aren’t real. We wake up and start a new day. I’ve been close to love maybe three times in my life, though I am hesitant about the only boy I’ve broken up with because I didn’t actually love him. 


It's dangerous, to refer to someone with a noun that is defined as a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep. Pay attention to the words passing through

What does it mean to call someone your dream partner if you’ve said it to someone years earlier? What does this say about the expectations we have for a relationship? There seems to be something false and disingenuous about liking someone for whatever these dream-like qualities are supposed to be. 


I haven’t dated in close to ten years and sometimes it feels like I am proud of that. Telling people this often brings numerous reactions, it’s time to get back out there, you're not much of a flirt, you ignore men, yada yada yada…


I’ve put so much emotional energy into falling in love with my television boyfriends that it’s made it impossible for me to look for someone in the real world. It’s so much easier to be in love with fictional characters you know everything about, who will never know who the fuck you are. This is inherently mostly of the appeal. In my imagination they love for me all of my faults, they know all my secrets and don't care. They don't fight or argue. They're there for me emotionally. In our "relationship" I am the one writing the perfect script.


Here are my Top Five Television Dream Boys:

Pacey Witter (Dawson’s Creek)

Chandler Bing (Friends)

Henry Pollard (Party Down)

Steve Brady (Sex and the City)

Jess Marino (Gilmore Girls)


                      

Pacey Witter (Dawson’s Creek)

Pacey Witter is sensitive, friends with women (yes, he also had sex with his high school teacher and that's all we talked about in the 8th grade), he’s a lovable smart ass who had shitty parents and had to learn how to love himself. He knew that Joey’s bracelet belonged to her mother because HE REMEMBERS EVERYTHING! HE EVEN BOUGHT JOEY A GOD DAMN WALL! Every time I’ve re-watched DC in the last ten years I’ve been constantly reminded that he has ruined real-life men for me. It’s irrelevant and also seemingly relevant how many times I’ve said out loud, “WHERE IS MY PACEY WITTER ALREADY?” Dawson’s Creek ended in 2003, the same year I graduated high school. I should really let that sink in. And yet…I keep re-watching the episode where Joey and Pacey get locked together in a K-Mart and fall back in love and I’m like I NEED THIS TO HAPPEN TO ME IMMEDIATELY. 



Chandler Bing (Friends)

Honestly, all those other idiots treated Chandler like shit. As the resident Funny One on the popular sitcom, I still find his one-liners incredibly charming. His lack of sexual experience is also a turn on for some reason, maybe because he makes me feel like his equal. I’ve always loved his ability to deflect nervousness with humor because men who are too put together make me uncomfortable. I also deflect with humor and often find myself with a foot in my mouth. I’ve always seen Chandler as genuine and kind, like he would be a good listener. THIS IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE is what I hear as I type this. 



Henry Pollard (Party Down)

If you’re not familiar with this Starz television show, then I am sorry. It’s currently streaming on Hulu so please educate yourself. Henry, played by Adam Scott, is an out of work actor who has gone back to working for a catering company called Party Down. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do with his life. Scott tends to be charming in almost any role he plays. His sad-puppy quality mixed with his brown eyes, scruffy facial hair and comedic timing in my mind make him absolutely perfect. He has also reminded me of someone from my past and I think that’s part of what makes this show so important to me. There is emotion involved for me, and it’s very hard to let that go. 


Steve Brady (Sex and the City)

I’ve moved a little bit away from Steve, but will forever be charmed by his infatuation with Miranda. He could be a big baby, it’s true, but he was always kind and forgiving.  Of course, the will-they-won’t-they is always an attractive component, though also quite dangerous. It’s easy to get lost in the similarities of fictional lives and how they intertwine with ours. If Steve and Miranda can get back together than so can  ****** and I, right? Bitch, I’ve said this to you before and it is always NO. You may be a woman, but that shit is just a dream. 


Jess Marino (Gilmore Girls)

I’m sure there are plenty of you who will have opinions about this one. Yes, he was moody and a dick. But if you’re Team Logan, bye. I can’t even talk about Dean a.k.a. CRY DICK. Jess read books constantly, he had great taste in music and HIS HAIR. This all seems juvenile when I read over it, but I was in high school at the same time as Rory. Jess comes back multiple times in the later seasons of GG and he has changed. HE WROTE A BOOK! This is all still very attractive. I want a dude who likes to read and has good taste in music. This doesn’t seem like a tall order now does it?



Because I've been willingly single for so long, I’ve taken the time to work on myself, to like myself, to slow and down and be alone with my thoughts and feelings...and my television boyfriends. They’ve occupied so much of my brain space I’ve hardly thought about interacting with REAL MEN. How could they ever compare to these idealized, fictional characters from 10-20 years ago? I will never find Henry Pollard on a dating app. Pacey sure as shit isn't going to “slide into my DMs.”


My fifty-one year old cousin once shared with me a conversation she had with her father, my uncle, about one of her old boyfriends. "“He’s a really great guy—a true gentleman. So kind and considerate," she said. My uncle told her that those are not stand out qualities—it is simply how one should treat people. I don't know why this blew me away, but it did. 


Just as it is dangerous to call someone a dream partner, it is dangerous for me to project my own desires on to television characters who will never love me back. These characters represent two decades worth of a succession of images, thoughts, and emotions telling me what I am to suppose to want in a forever partner. I still don't really know, but I hope I'm awake when I found out. 

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