Reflections on Female Friendship Part Two

I took a walk with my mom on Monday through Cave Hill Cemetery. She told me she had read my latest blog post. “I never liked that girl,” she said, referring to Penn. “It was always about her.” I started rambling about how it can take a long time to figure things out, especially with regards to past friendships and relationships. This has certainly been a popular topic of conversation with my therapist, especially in the last six months.

Last night and this morning I have been thinking about how an old boyfriend once said to me, “We have to find a way to make you less afraid of me.” What the fuck do you say to that? I don’t remember saying anything. ANYWAY, I just came to the realization that I have also been afraid of female friends in the past and that this feeling hasn’t in fact just been exclusive to certain men I’ve dated. I didn’t have a lot of confidence then and knowing that now helps me to see things more clearly.

Why was I afraid of these women? Because they had something I didn’t? Because they didn’t have to second guess every word they said before they said it? Because they appeared to have more friends than me?

In the summer of 2016 after I came back from my first MFA residency, I knew I had changed. I knew what I wanted and had found a community that would support me and help me make my voice feel heard. It was time for me to start taking control of my life and the people who were in it. Soon after returning, I left a friendship that had begun to feel like the one I had had with Penn. A friendship where it didn’t seem like there had been enough room for me to be who I was and who I was later going to be. I watched 10 Things I Hate About You the other night. There’s a scene at a party when Heath Ledger tells Joseph Gordon-Levitt, “…don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want.” Although the context of this quote applies to asking out a girl who may or may not have beer flavored nipples, I thought about my past friendships with women.

My mom seemed surprised when I once told her I had trouble standing up for myself. Standing up for myself doesn’t always mean having to say something back, my therapist pointed out. It could mean saying nothing at all or deleting the offending comment, as long as I don’t allow that negativity to affect me. Allowing those voices or comments into my headspace effectively means letting someone else tell me how to live my life. Fuck that shit. 

As someone who tends to live mostly in her head, allowing toxic female voices into my brain has caused me to either miss out on certain opportunities or caused me to not be present in the way I wanted to be present. Aren’t these perhaps the same? What are your thoughts? Have you had to remove yourself from a friendship where you didn’t feel equal?